The Right Way and the Wrong Way to Argueby"The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict". Unless you're active in the field of marriage education, you've probably never heard of Diane Sollee, but she's someone who deserves to be better known. I frequently turn to her website, http://www.smartmarriages.com/, for updates on marriage research and divorce statistics, and for Diane's own unique insights. Diane believes---and I agree with her---that it is not only unrealistic but dangerous to think that marriage can be conflict-free. It's unrealistic because conflict is going to arise in any relationship in which people share a home, a bed, a checkbook, a family and an extended family, a past, and (presumably) a future. Even when two people are well-matched and well-intentioned, there will always be words that are misunderstood, motives that are suspect, moods that are unpredictable, and subjects that inevitably lead to arguments. Like it or not, this is normal. Because conflict is normal, it's dangerous to pretend that is isn't. Avoiding conflict does not make it go away; it only postpones it and ensures that a discussion will turn into an argument, or an argument into a mud-slinging match. Some people are so fearful of conflict that they avoid even pleasant subjects of conversation, for fear that they will somehow deteriorate into a nasty exchange. (Diane uses the example of a New Yorker cartoon of a man and wife at a marriage counselor's office, with the caption, "We never talk anymore. We figured out that that's when we have all our fights"). So, what's the answer? How can we disagree without being disagreeable? At the risk of oversimplifying, I would suggest that you and your spouse adhere to a few basic ground rules: 1. Keep the discussion focused on the issue at hand, not on what happened yesterday, last week, or last year. (As I say in my book, banish the phrases, "You never..." and "You always..." from your vocabulary). 2. Don't intimidate, belittle, insult, or humiliate your spouse, no matter what the offense, no matter how great the provocation. As my old parish priest used to say, "Hate the sin, love the sinner". 3. Don't blame your spouse for things that are largely out of his or her control (e.g., your wife's widowed mother who drives you crazy by calling three times a day because she's lonely). 4. Don't get into arguments after you've had a couple of drinks; they tend to turn ugly in a hurry. 5. Have a sense of proportion and a sense of humility. Write down a list of at least three things you do that your spouse has a legitimate right to complain about. Work on those things as best you can, but think about them before you open your mouth to criticize your spouse about one of his or her failings. 6. If things are still veering out of control, learn to stop and say, "This is stupid. Why are we doing this to each other?" And say it with a smile. If you want to learn more advanced techniques, Diane's website has lists of workshops and courses all over the country that will help you to become, as she puts it, "relationship smart". But whatever you do, accept that fact that conflicts are normal even in the best of marriages. ©2007 Show All Articles By Jim DuzakJim Duzak, the "Attorney at Love", is a divorce lawyer, divorce mediator, former dating service owner, and the author of Mid-Life Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment (Cold Tree Press, 2007). His blog, Jim Duzak's Quote & Comment, can be accessed through his website, www.attorneyatlove.com. You can contact him directly at , or purchase his book through amazon or any other online bookseller. How To Be Wanted For a Lifetime of Nights and Not Just a Night of a Lifetime.
The fires of passion and sex burn hot in the world around us. Chasing desire seems to be a common theme in the world today. Music videos, the Internet, TV shows, movies, magazines and books often have one common theme, the feeding of desire. Our society has indeed become preoccupied with sex, and more and more are getting caught in the web of deception that chasing desire creates. If a lasting relationship is what your heart is searching for, read on. If you want to see why a "lifetime of nights" approach to relationships and love is better than a "night of a lifetime" approach, read on. If you would like to know the difference between "the fire that warms" and "the fire that burns", please continue. Stop and think about it.
"This e-book is concise and to the point. It is thought provoking and will make you ask questions of yourself. You will start to examine your own life and relationships and value them deeply. It is well written with insightful information." Ricky D., -- Married 15-years / One Child Tennessee "How To Be Wanted For a Lifetime of Nights and Not Just a Night of a Lifetime" will help you to pull the blinds on your mind and condition you to shut out the lead-with-the-body influences that are all around you. |
||
|
Attract Men
Beauty and Makeup Dating Love and Relationships Loneliness Divorce and Separation Parenting Sexuality Physical Fitness Self Improvement
Attract Men
Dating The Single Woman Relationships Breaking Up Health and Beauty Self Improvement Business and Finance Parenting Humor Sex GirlsDo you have the enchanting personality that is irresistible to men? Take this quiz and find out. |
Drive Your Man WildEvery Woman's Guide to Becoming Irresistible to Men Now You Can Make Men Want You...Make Men Love You... Make Men Enslaved by Desire For You! Are you living with loneliness your only true companion? Evenings spent "killing time" instead of celebrating life? Holidays alone? Valentine's Day without a lover? Time spent wondering... what is wrong with me? My heart is filled with love to give. My soul filled with passion. I am worthy of love! Where is that one special man? And This Is Not How It Has To Be! Announcing a powerful new book by Tom Rassiter, "How To Drive Your Man Wild." Now... for less than the cost of a pair of movie tickets... you can get more love, more romance, and more passion for the rest of your life... guaranteed! 12 Simple Rules
|