No matter how open and honest your relationship is, there are still things that your husband or boyfriend doesn't share with you. That doesn't mean he's keeping secrets - the truth is that he may not even be aware that he reserves a few topics for his Guy's Night Out with his buddies.

And if you're completely honest with yourself, some of the things he shares with his pals you may not want to hear. Honesty is important, but all of us have thoughts that, if we just laid them at the feet of our partners, could result in hurt feelings. So what is it he tells his friends that he doesn't tell you?

He talks about chicks.

Whether it's that cute blonde clerk at the grocery store or the new assistant manager at his office, there's always at least one pretty young thing that's caught your partner's eye. He's a man, after all, and men like to look at attractive women. He certainly isn't going to tell you about it - but over beers with the guys, he can blow off a little steam and express his admiration for the fairer sex in a safe, non-judgmental forum. And that's healthy. He's never going to stop noticing beautiful women, but if he keeps those feelings bottled up inside then they may turn into a full-blown, secret crush.

He shares war stories from his wild single days.

Be honest - you don't really want to hear about the time he woke up in a puddle of his own vomit on the floor of a Tijuana hotel room, or ended up in bed with a pair of sorority girls and a can of whipped cream. But in a strange, uniquely masculine way, he's proud of these disgusting tales from his past. They're a badge of honor, and men love to trade stories of stupid, dangerous things they've done. If he tells you these stories, you'd look at him in horror and ask him what the hell he was thinking. But his friends will laugh, pat him on the back, and then try to top him with stories of their own. You don't have to understand this. It's a guy thing.

He talks about his fears.

No matter how long you've been together, your husband or boyfriend needs to feel like a hero in your eyes. And in the world of men, heroes don't get scared - so when he's frightened, you're the last person he wants to tell. But when he's with his friends he can let his guard down and share his fears - in a manly way, of course. Maybe you're planning to have a baby or buy a house and he's feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility. Perhaps he's feeling stressed by his job, and he's worried he might be fired or demoted. When he's with you, he needs to know that you can depend on him - in a man's mind, however, telling you his insecurities is the same as admitting that he can't handle his role as provider. Be glad that he has someone he can talk to about his fears. Carrying the world on one's shoulders can be a heavy, heavy load.

He complains about what you won't do in bed.

You could be a combination of Angelina Jolie, Dr. Ruth and a Cirque Du Soleil acrobat, and there would still be things he fantasizes about that you're not interested in doing. Whether it's a sardonic aside about married women losing interest in oral sex or a crude joke about handcuffs and riding crops, his time with his friends is a chance to express his adolescent fascination with all things sexual.

Like with the ribald stories from his past, your man knows that, in the company of men, he's allowed to say what he likes about carnal matters. When he says it to them, he gets a knowing chuckle. When he says it to you, he gets an, "Eeeeew!" and a look of disgust. It's not a reflection on his feelings about you - inside every man is a 15-year-old boy who's intrigued by every sexual act that he doesn't get to try, and being with his friends is like being back in the treehouse drooling over Playboy magazines.

He talks about the things he'd like to do, but can't.

If he's in a relationship with you, it means that he's no longer footloose, fancy-free, and able to take off at a moment's notice. Never mind that he hasn't left the zip code in over a decade - now that he's tied down, he'll never be able to hop a plane to Vegas, or go on safari in Africa, or swim with the sharks in the Great Barrier Reef.

Most of the time, it's not you that's holding him back at all, he's just using you as an excuse to explain why the most exciting thing he does is wear rented shoes at the Bowl-O-Rama. He knows that if he told you that he wishes he could sell the house and go backpacking in Kenya you'd roll your eyes and yank him back down to earth. But with his friends, all of his dreams are still possible - opening his own bar, getting a full body tattoo, buying a motorcycle and tooling across Europe. You're his reality, but with his friends he can be anyone he wants to be. Let him have his fantasies - he's still coming home to you, after all.

It's second-nature for women to want to peel back the top of their mate's head and dig out every little secret for analysis and discussion. But it's healthy and normal for him to have a few things that he keeps to himself - after all, don't you have a few little secrets of your own?

©2006

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