Tantra is an ancient Indian spiritual tradition that recognizes human sexuality as one avenue among many for achieving mystical experience. Although the number of Tantric texts that deal directly with sexual activity is quite small, most Westerners associate Tantra with love, sex, and relationships. While Western ideas about Tantra are thus somewhat misguided, if you can bring a Tantric sensibility to love and relationship, your love life will be richer and more fulfilling.

Celebrating Valentine's Day is controversial in 21st-century India. This is due, in part, to the rise of Hindu fundamentalism and objections to the holiday's Christian origins. More importantly, conservative Indians view Western ideas about romantic love as alien and immoral. Arranged marriages are still very much the norm, even as India becomes a technological superpower, and in arranged marriages, love is a fringe benefit, not a necessity.

The Western belief that romantic love is the prerequisite for an enduring relationship is a relatively recent phenomenon that evolved gradually over centuries. The troubadors of twelfth century Provence celebrated romantic love, often unrequited, for the wives of other men. The Saint Valentine's Day holiday has its origins in Roman fertility rites and medieval French midwinter celebrations inspired by beliefs about the mating of birds. Charles the Duke of Orleans sent the first known "valentine" to his wife from the Tower of London, where he was imprisoned, in 1415. While the custom of exchanging cards and gifts became popular in the 16th-century and pre-printed cards were fashionable by the end of the 1700s, the belief that romantic love should be a precursor to marriage (let alone a happy marriage) did not become the dominant paradigm until the 1900s. Before then, marriages were usually based on social and economic considerations, and love matches were the exception not the rule. Throughout most of human history, East and West, love and marriage did not necessarily go together and indeed were often seen as virtually antithetical.

Although Tantra evolved in a culture that did not value romantic love and in which arranged marriages were prevalent, there are many legendary spiritual partnerships in the Tantric Buddhism, and in Hindu Tantra, there is a long history of lineages being carried on within families in which both men and women were adepts. Such spiritual partnerships can only exist in the context of a deep, abiding love, a kind of love that is radically different from the conventional Western model. As our teacher's teacher put it: "Love is profound interest." Thus, Tantric love involves focused attention, awareness and reverence for the other.

By contrast, the contemporary romantic model treats love as either superficial and fleeting or full of drama, pain, and suffering, while insisting that it is the basis for any good relationship. The romance industry would have us believe that the only valid form of love is the kind that leaves us light-headed and swooning or that we must seek completion in another, that a single soul-mate is out there in the world and that once we find that special someone, everything will be all right. This can not only set people up for disappointment and an endless search for the "one," it can also lead to the belief that the intensity of early infatuation is the only kind of romantic passion worth having. In reality, this intensity is fleeting; our biology guarantees that it will pass after three to six months.

The Tantric approach is radically different, and the ancient tradition of spiritual partnership remains relevant today. In this model: "The relationship between partners is one of mutual aspiration, effort, and assistance. The two are equals, with neither one regarding the other as inferior or as an object to be manipulated for selfish purposes. . .The dissolution and apotheosis of the two partners is interdependent. Their appreciation, enjoyment, and intimate involvement with one another is captured in their rapt, blissful, contemplative gaze, the gaze of the deities." Thus, Tantric partnerships require reverence, parity between partners, and a profoundly collaborative approach to all aspects of the relationship, and each partner's sustained commitment to the other's evolution.

Love affairs often end when the flush of infatuation starts to fade. If the relationship endures, complacency may set in, or what was once profound interest may be supplanted by an emphasis on getting one's needs met (or disappointment over a partner's failure to do so.) But profound interest and reverence can be cultivated, and employing a few simple techniques - gazing silently into each others eyes for a few minutes a day, bowing to each other or expressing appreciation after making love, cultivating genuine interest in each other, and thinking of your relationship as a shared adventure - can produce significant changes, even in relationships that are in a rut - provided both partners are willing to make some effort and think differently.

In a sense, the Tantric approach involves consciously and continuously recreating the state of infatuation that is the very heart of the romantic ideal. In those early stages of love, it is easy to worship the ground a beloved walks on, to gaze into her eyes for extended periods, to be deeply interested in everything he has to say, to want to know her completely. Although this initial intensity must fade to some degree, you can keep the fire burning. A shared determination to think about your relationship as a collaboration and a form of shared spiritual practice will enable you to extract the best elements of courtship and help you remain passionate about each other, without the drama that so often accompanies infatuation. If you are just starting to date, you can start practicing immediately (we did) and build a strong foundation for the future; if you've been together for years and are happy together, you may find new and deeper levels of intimacy; and if things have gotten a little stale, you can celebrate Valentine's Day by turning toward each other with interest and reverence.

Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of The Essence of Tantric Sexuality.
©2008

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