If you are in a relationship, the following are serious signs that something is very wrong. Learn the patterns of abuse; learn what to do, learn how to get your life back.

ARE YOU BEING MISTREATED? Is your partner in the relationship rude to you? Does he put you down...tell you that you are stupid...or "can't do anything right" ? Does he seem to always be angry at you for something? Do you find yourself saying "I'm sorry" even if you have no real idea of what you did supposedly did wrong - but saying the words so that he will speak to you again? Does he ever disappear for a night- and then not care that you have been worried sick over where he was? Are you constantly being accused of cheating on him with other men, but it is your mate who disappears and sneaks around? Is he uncaring and cruel, perhaps not showing concern if you are injured or upset about a personal situation? Are your opinions worthless to him? Does he pass off your words as if you are nothing? Are you getting blamed for making him upset, but he will never admit that he's does anything wrong? Is the relationship is based on sex, but you sense that that's all it is- sex- and you know it's not thought of as "making love"? All of the above are signs of verbal and/or emotional abuse!

ARE YOU IN FEAR? Has your partner threatened you ? Pushed you? Grabbed you by the hair? Thrown objects at you? Spit on you ? Slapped, hit or otherwise hurt you? Do you live in fear, wondering when he will "snap" next? After he has done these things to you, does he apologize and promise to never do these things again ? Does he threaten to kill you if you leave him? Or do harm to himself? Does he coax you into staying in the relationship by fear or guilt? Do you feel hopeless, lost and worthless? If so, then he achieved what he wanted.

IF THESE APPLY TO YOU: People who have a very strong emotional attachment for another , are sometimes blind to the horrible treatment they are receiving. Or even if they know they are being mistreated, they will hang on. Why ? One reason is that they are craving "true love" and pray that the other person will change their ways. After all, so much time was put into this relationship, and may be willing to wait around to them to start treating you correctly. The other reason is fear. Plain and simple, fear of this abuser can make you feel terrified down to your bones. Despite the fear you are feeling, you can change your life. First understand that the problem is not you. You may have been told over and over again that you "bring out the worst in him" , "Push his buttons" or other brainwashing techniques. You must take them for what they are: a form of controlling you. The next step is to come to complete realization that despite pleading, begging, crying and talking until you are exhausted, you are powerless to control him. All you can control is what you will now do with the situation. You've heard this advice before, and you will hear it again, you can not change anyone! If someone is putting you through emotional Hell, help yourself...you need to ask yourself a very important question...

IS IT WORTH IT? Chances are, if things are so unstable, it is taking a toll on your life. If you find yourself unable to concentrate at work, give proper attention to children, family or good friends, and/or not giving yourself needed attention...then...is it really worth it ? Does someone else deserve the power to make your life so miserable? Why would you want to give that power to someone who is abusive? Don't allow it anymore. If you do not want to spend the rest of your life in "Emotional Hell", take a chance, find the courage and take control of your life. If your life is so unhappy now, do you think it would get worse? The answer is "no". You will begin to live again.

WHAT DO YOU DO? Begin by getting emotionally ready to leave. It helps by thinking back to a time in your life when happiness was the norm. It does not have to be a past relationship...maybe it was a time in your single life when you can remember being happy and feeling free. Do you remember when you didn't feel sick? When you would wake up in the morning and be ready to begin your day - with no aching in your heart? When you would go to sleep at night, feeling at peace? Allow yourself the chance to have that life again. If you decide that you are brave enough to get your life back, make sure to do it completely. No phone calls, no looking back and no regrets. You can have peace again.

Leaving can be one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. It requires planning and a huge amount of courage on your part to leave this relationship. Before you leave, bring any proof you have of the abuse. If you have any injuries, ie: bruises, cuts, etc, take pictures of all of them. This will come in handy later, if you go through any processes in the court system. You should definately contact your local court and request a restraining order. Most men who are abusive and act as if they are not scared of anything, will back away from you if threatened with jail time. A restraining order can be immediately ordered, if you go to the police after he has injured you. Do not be afraid that he will get arrested and seek revenge. When he is in jail, that is your safe time to escape.

If you have any family that you can stay with, this is an option. However, if you do not feel safe and are worried that he may bother you, harrass you or even do something worse to you, finding a shelter may be the best option. Check your local directory, ask your local police or go online to find battered woman shelters in your area. These "shelters" are usually pleasant homes, made to protect woman. They appear to be every-day multi-family homes from an outsider's view. Inside is your safe haven to hide, as you begin to prepare for your new life. They will help you with food and clothing if needed. The woman running these shelters can point you in the direction regarding obtaining housing, government help, finding a job, childcare and more. If you have children and are afraid of having child custody issues, rest assured, in most cases the court system is highly sympathetic to these cases. If you obtain a restraining order, you can have it include your children also. If you will be divorcing this abusive person, you can request that they go through anger management courses before being able to have visitation. You may also request no visitation, based on his abusive behavior. If visitation is ordered, you can then request that the visits are supervised, based on your belief that he could present harm to your children and/or put them in an unhealthy environment.

When you actually start "living" again, the freedom is very sweet. It will not matter if you went from living in a big home while being a housewife to a small apartment and working as a clerk! The freedom is just too sweet to care about those things. If you have children, the joy you will receive knowing that you are raising them in a violent-free atmosphere is irreplaceable. If you think all of this can not be done, know that it has been done. I have personally lived through all of the above. I am now free, happy and unafraid of life. We can't change the choices we made that brought us to be with the abuser, but we can change what happens next. No looking back, no regrets. Peace be with you.

©2006

Show All Articles By Alisa Chagnon