With the creation of a step family, children inherit a step-parent. This little addition to their lives can cause reactions as varied as the children themselves. There are a lot of steps that the adults in the kid's lives can take to make this addition go as smoothly as possible.

Today, I want to focus on one factor of this addition that is hard to avoid though. Instead, I think it's important to know about it so you can address it openly rather than avoid it. This factor is the dreaded loyalty bind.

When it occurs

A loyalty bind occurs when suddenly the child has more than 2 adult figures in their lives. Once you become the child's step parent, they now have more than one same sexed parent (for example, a dad and a step-dad). Even if, as the step parent, you go out of your way to not force yourself on the children as a "parental figure", just by virtue of your title this bind can occur.

Why does this happen?

The bind is basically a fear that the child has about hurting their biological parent. They don't want their bio parent to fear that this step-parent may take their place. This is why you may think you have a great relationship with your step-daughter only to hear her mother say she bad mouthed you while at her house.

This is also a reason that some kids choose to keep a step parent at arms distance for a long time and pretend they don't really like them, when in fact they may. While it is only human to get your feelings hurt over these things, it's important to remember the balancing act that kids are trying to do here.

If that same sexed biological parent is jealous of your position and bad mouths you, it's going to be especially difficult for your step child to openly admit they like you no matter how great you may be.

What can I do?

So rather than get your feelings hurt, address these situations head on without adding undo pressure to the child.

• Tell them that you like them for whatever unique qualities they have.
• Explain that you never want to get in the way of their relationship with that parent. You'd just like to have a different type of relationship with the child if they are up for that.
• Let them know that you understand it may be awkward for them to have both you and their mom (or dad if you're the step father), and that your intention is never to replace that parent.

Try not to get your feelings hurt if they pull away or you hear they've said something negative about you to that parent. Pay attention to the context of it. They may have felt they HAD to do that in order to not hurt that other parent.

In these situations, it's best for the biological parent you are with to talk to the child about this and try to help them problem solve ways to deal with this conflict so that they don't feel anyone has to be hurt.

Being a step-parent is a hard job. One that requires very thick skin and patience. This is just another one of those situations in which you may need to defer your wants and needs in order to protect the child and ultimately the family.

Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
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