Many individuals spend a great deal of time in relationships wondering if the person is right for them, whether they should stay or go. This question can become so persistent that it interferes with being able to relax and allow the bond to grow.

There are a number of different factors that cause individuals to doubt their relationships. Some say that although they love the person they do not know if they are loved back; others don't know if they're ready for commitment; some are concerned about qualities or behaviors they're uncomfortable with. Others remain in relationships hoping to change their partners, or from fear of being alone. In many cases individuals don't want to lose the time they've put in, can't face starting all over again. Many fear they always pick the wrong person.

There are certain checkpoints we can utilize to see whether the relationship is right, whether we should stay or go.

Checkpoints: Ask Yourself:

1) Am I counting on the fact that the person will change one day?

It is always a mistake to stay in a relationship if it is based upon wanting the other person to change. Although people promise to change, change is difficult and only happens when an individual wants to for themselves. When a person changes to please their partner, this change is temporary, because in order to change deep patterns, time, work, committment and effort are needed. See how much of this person you can accept just as they are. If you want to change most of them, it's best to let go. If there are just a few areas that bother you, try to accept them as they are. When a person feels accepted often to everyone's surprise these difficult qualities change all by themselves.

2) Even though they say they love me, do I feel appreciated and loved?

It is one thing to express love verbally and other for it to be real. If you consistently do not feel loved and appreciated, pay attention to that. For love to be real it must be acted upon. Individuals feel loved when they feel considered, listened to and respected. If your partner says they love you, and does not take your needs into account, then this is not love, just some kind of emotional attachment. Trust your feelings. If the relationship is basically good for you, you will feel cared for and caring.

3) Is It Easy To Give To The Person?

This is a very good barometer of how you are feeling in a relationship. When we want to give to our partners, (sexually and otherwise), it is because we are usually being cared for in return. When we find it hard to meet their needs, something is wrong. Pay attention to this signal. Find out what is causing you to hold out, if you are. Some withhold their love, time and attention as a way of letting the person know that they are not getting their needs met. Some do it out of anger or hidden resentment about something that has gone on.

When you have trouble giving to your partner, take some time to see what it is you are resenting, what need you may feel is not being met. Then, see if you can ask for what you want. Give the person a chance to give to you. Some are simply are not aware of what their partner's needs are.

4) Are We Willing To Talk Things Over Openly?

When a couple is willing to sit down, truly talk and listen to one another, they are way ahead. All relationships run into obstacles, the main question is - is there do the partners have the tools and the willingness to work things out? No matter how wonderful a person is, if they are unwilling to talk and to listen, it will make it difficult to build a strong relationship.

If your partner isn't used to doing this, let them know how important it is, and start doing it slowly. Talk at times when the person is receptive. During your communications be careful not to criticize or blame. Simply say, "This is how I feel -", rather than giving an ultimatum or making the person feel inadequate. Give positive feedback and soon it will become not only natural to share feelings, but enjoyable as well.

5) Are They Truthful? Can you Trust Them?

Often questions of trust come up. If you find over and over that the person is not truthful with you, then it is very difficult to continue. Trust is the basis of all good relationships. Without trust there is a lack of security and the ability to be open and vulnerable. No matter how many wonderful qualities the person may have, they simply may not be ready for the honesty required in a good relationship. Let the person know that trust is a necessity and see if they are truly capable of it.

When you answer these basic questions, it should become quite clear whether or not the relationship you are in is the right one for you. If it isn't and you have to move on, take time to be thankful for all the good you received from this person. Focus on the ways in which you grew and what you learned. Leave with a positive outlook this will help greatly in going forward in your life.

©2008

Show All Articles By Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D.