When sex in a marriage is good, life is good. But what about when things shift and one partner doesn't want to have sex as often as the other? This is a quick cause for relationship deterioration and one of the most common complaints that I see from the couples I work with.

Unfortunately, a lot of couples get stuck in a power struggle over this. Rather than sex being a loving act that binds them closer together, it turns into an angry argument that pulls them apart. The most frequent question I get asked from these struggling couples is:

How often should we be having sex? What's normal?

I always have to smile at this point, knowing they're looking for a "magic pill." Then I have to give them the bad news. "There is NO "normal" frequency." Each couple has to decide for itself what normal is. For some couples a normal frequency of sex is once a day. For others it's once every 6 months.

Neither of these are wrong. The key is finding a frequency that BOTH members are content with. When the contentment is missing, resentment and anger aren't far behind.

Finding the frequency that's right for you is much easier said than done. This is where a lot of couples get stuck because they feel like they are at opposite ends of a spectrum. The best place to start is NOT in picking a number in the middle, but instead focusing on why each of you feel the way you do; why your frequency sounds right to you.

How to find your "normal" sexual frequency

Once you're able to discuss this, then you can discuss compromise. For example, imagine one member of a couple saying once a week is all they want because they're too tired during the week and this allows them to just have sex on the weekend. But the other member of the couple wants sex 3 times a week. Rather than just jumping to an agreement of 2x a week. Talk about changes that can be made in the schedule so that both of you may feel more interested in sex and less tired throughout the week.

Making these changes ahead of time to support the more tired partner will be much more effective than pressuring them into finding the time to have sex twice a week.

Sex is a delicate balancing act of needs and emotions. The strongest marriages are not necessarily the ones who have the most sex, but the ones who are able to talk the most openly about sex in order to find a frequency that suits both partners the best.

Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
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