I was recently asked about the statistic I quote about remarriages having the greatest chance for success when both partners have been divorced for at least 2 years and then date for 2 years. I'm the first to admit that is a long time, but I was bothered by some of the comments this question received and decided to address them further...

First off, it's important to remember statistics are averages. But, they are based on a large number not a small one, so they tend to indicate trends. But because they are averages, that means they don't apply to everyone. There were lots of people who didn't wait the "2 years" and remained happily remarried and there were lots of people who waited longer than that who ended up re-divorcing. With that being said, it's important for every couple to make their own decision. My caution for you is to be sure it's a decision made with your head NOT your heart.

I'm wanting to have more children and waiting puts that at risk due to my age - I have a grave concern with this rationale for not waiting 2 years. Are you marrying because you want a marriage or to legitimize the ability to have children? I know that sounds a little harsh, but you've already seen how difficult a divorce was for your children and for yourself. Does it make any sense to risk rushing into a new marriage to have more children who could become children of divorce?

Life's too short - I agree, so why put yourself in a position to waste more years of your life in a relationship that could wind up being worse than your last marriage? Relationships are typically good during the first year. It's in that second year that the masks come off and we truly get a better vision of the real person we are with. Taking this extra year to see who you're with isn't "wasting" time. It's taking time to help yourself and your children feel confident that this is the right step for your family.

Sometimes life is about chances and if you don't take them then you're not really living - There definitely are areas in our lives where this applies. Sometimes we do have to just step out in faith. But remarriage and all of the consequences this has for our children is not one of them. A remarriage isn't a decision that only affects you. It affects numerous people and isn't a decision to leave up to chance. Leaving it up to chance is what happens when only 20% of remarrying couples do any type of preparation leading to the re-divorce rate being close to 75% for couples with children. I know that's just more statistics, but those are the facts.

When you finally find the person you want to spend the rest of you your life with, you want that life to start now - I don't think anyone would agree with this, but it's our hearts (flesh) speaking. The flesh never wants to wait. It wants what it wants now. A perfect example is the fact that our hearts are the ones responsible for not wanting to wait for things we don't have money for and racking up incredible credit card debt. Our hearts/flesh does not have good judgment. It shows maturity to wait, to be confident -in your head- that this is the right decision for everyone involved.

I know this is harsh stuff, but it's thoughts like these that lead so many couples astray. They assume all the details will fall into place once those magic words of "I do" are said. That's the stuff of fairy tales and we live in the real world. I'm committed to helping couples live in the real world, prepare in the real world and experience a real world success.

Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
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