Vulnerability, even thinking about it can be frightening to some people. Actually, a person must be strong to allow herself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability allows others to know us, who we genuinely are. Vulnerability allows negotiation. It allows an opening between conflicting needs.

Unfortunately, many people have been raised from the time they are young to deny their vulnerability. Many were raised by parents who could not be vulnerable. Many parents believe their children's poor behaviors are directed at them and become angry and defensive in their parenting behaviors. When children are raised by defensive parents, they learn how to be defensive. Adults who are on the defensive cannot allow themselves to be open and vulnerable enough to relate to another adult.

Being vulnerable is being open. To love others, one must be open. When we are open, we allow our hearts to feel. When our heart is open to feeling love, it will also feel pain when love is withdrawn.

Vulnerability is part of process of empathy. To empathize with someone we need to be able to feel them, to know what they are feeling. This is part of good enough relationships. Being open allows us to be affected by one another and is vital to connection. When we allow ourselves to be hurt and feel pain, we are much more likely to recognize another's pain. Sensitivity is important in this context. Sensitivity to ourselves and others. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we understand humility. We recognize and know inherent equality.

Often, highly defended people have been so deeply hurt, they can no longer allow themselves to be vulnerable. Some may have been raised in a situation where everyone was defensive. Many who are highly defensive also become grandiose. Grandiosity, needing to believe we are somehow bigger, better, more important than we are, is an illusion. A sad illusion built on unrecognized and acknowledged pain.

When we allow ourselves to feel our pain, and work through it, we learn important lessons about ourselves and others. Our ability to empathize with others who are in pain, increases and we become better able to help them. We can be genuinely helpful when we can hear others. Only when we can fully listen to others, with every fiber of all our senses, can we be helpful to them. Respect involves listening.

Being attuned to others requires us to be vulnerable. We need to be able to allow the other to have control. We need to listen and empathize. Our ability to do that is built on our having felt and worked through our pain. Tempering a sword involves putting it into a fire and hammering it. A tempered individual is a vulnerable one. One who has allowed herself to go through her pain and healing process. As Marcel Proust said, "One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full."

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Anne Ream
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