Every year at this time, thousands (maybe millions) of women start to worry about bikini season. Some of us do something about it, like dieting and exercising, trying to get our bodies to look more like the women in magazines.

Since we were teens, we have believed a babe in a bikini gets the boys. The better we look in a bikini, the belief goes, the better our chances of snagging a man's attentions. In a superficial way, this is correct. The female form, scantily clad or otherwise, is sure to attract male attention.

However, this is where the power of the bikini stops. While able to attract male attention, it fails to attract male affection. We have falsely hoped that the attention would lead to affection. This is because we have grossly misunderstood the effects of attraction.

Many of the things I have learned about men in the last fourteen years have surprised me. Some have rocked my world. None have both thrilled and angered me as much as what I have learned about the real effects of attraction on men and women.

Good and Bad News about Attraction

There appear to be two types of attraction, which affect men. The first type is what we call Sexual Attraction. What causes a man to be sexually attracted are the things we have been sold on for years: shiny hair, a shapely body, sexual energy and sensuality.

This type of attraction causes a man to want to have sex with a particular woman. And that's it. That's all. This is the bad news about sexual attraction. It angered me to find this out after so many preventable mishaps with men.

Sexual attraction just doesn't produce the results we are looking for in our lives. It doesn't cause a man to pursue a woman romantically. It doesn't cause a man to call again. It doesn't cause a man to consider a woman a potential partner or have him to fall in love. It just causes him to want to have sex with her.

A woman who is very sexually attractive will get a lot of male attention-but no one seems to wonder if it is good attention. As I envied the sexy cheerleaders in high school, surrounded by boys at lunch, I never wondered if all that attention was satisfying or enriching their lives in any way. I just wanted it. And I was sure that the attention I sought would lead to the affection I craved. If you have attempted this, I don't need to tell you how it turned out.

The second type of attraction we call "Charmed and Enchanted," which means to attract by very pleasing qualities and to evoke great admiration. This type of attraction causes a man to want to spend time with a woman, take care of her, make her happy, protect her and contribute to her life.

This is the good news about attraction! And there's more good news-here a list of the things that hundreds of men from across the country have told us make a woman Charming and Enchanting:

• Self-confidence


• Being herself


• Being passionate


• Interest in other people


• Willingness to need a man, but not be "needy"


• Liking men


• Understanding that men are not like women


• Appreciating men's unique qualities


• Thinking for herself

As you can see, what makes a woman charming and enchanting is as good for women as it is for men. This is what thrilled me most about the effects of attraction. The more you like yourself, the more men like you. The more you can be yourself, the better chance you give men to know you and love you. The more you enjoy your life, the more men enjoy your company. The more you appreciate men, the more men appreciate you. The more you think for yourself, the more interested men are in your thoughts.

I offer this information in hopes of preventing unnecessary anguish and suffering. By paying attention to the effects of attraction on men and women, you can approach relationships with more intelligence and authenticity.

You can focus on being the person you want to be, instead of the size you think you need to be. Best of all, trips to the mall for that new bathing suit are much less traumatic.

Alison A. Armstrong
©2006

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