No doubt, you've heard it said that love can happen in an instant. You see a stranger across a crowded room and, whammo, your heart flutters, temperature rises, your stomach is suddenly popping and fizzing, and what feels like destiny is taking you for a ride. How awesomely sweet. You hadn't planned for it, hadn't even expected it, but there it is. Love at first sight. Wow!

The truth is that some relationships which begin in that swept-away surge last a lifetime. And in some of those, two people remain enchanted with each other, lovers and friends to the end. But it's also true that many, if not most, of those hot, hot, hot beginnings fade, often quickly, into disappointment, leaving behind a trail of mistrust and bitterness.

What is it that keeps a relationship alive over the long term?

There are a number of ingredients involved in creating a meaningful, vibrant relationship-trust, affection, support, sex, respect, commitment-but central to all of them is the power and pleasure of intimacy.

Before we go any further we must make the point that for many people intimacy is understood only as sex. Nakedness and lust. Why?

Historically, it was not expected that the purpose of a relationship and especially a marriage was the emotional and spiritual closeness of two people. Rather, marriage was more like a business contract. She had her duties. He had his. If they performed well their marriage was considered a success. If they loved, let alone liked each other, well that was a wonderful side benefit. In that context, nakedness and physical pleasure were the extent to which two people showed themselves to one another.

But times have changed. Now, new assumptions have become part of how our culture defines what romantic love is supposed to provide. We call is a new intimacy and it's established on the basis that:

• Love is the indispensable foundation of a good relationship.


• Two people voluntarily choose each other without any interference from their family, friends, or community.


• They know they are being loved for who they really are, so they can drop their masks and not have to play games.


• They recognize and respect each other for their values and ambitions, giving and receiving compassion for their fears and hesitations.


• And they know their love gives a spiritual purpose and meaning to their life, as they consciously create their relationship together.

This vision of romantic love is very different from what has come before, requiring a different vision of what is needed to succeed. So understanding the role of emotional intimacy-what is really a new intimacy-has now become essential.

Intimacy requires that you let yourself be known. But that's not all. You must also want to know your partner for who he is. Otherwise the circle is not complete. There must be two of you, each open and paying attention to yourselves and one another. You might think this means that trust has to come first. But that's exactly backwards.

Trust in a relationship means a sense of emotional safety. That cannot come to be without your being willing to be present and emotionally available. Does that involve risk? Of course. But if you want love to take you into its depth, you must face into the risk of sometimes being exposed. And, as your lover continues to love you, not in spite of but including those parts of you that you might not be sure are lovable, then trust emerges-because it can.

There is no such thing as intimacy at first sight. Becoming truly intimate, emotionally or sexually involves emotional generosity and grows over time. The more you show yourself the more you make yourself available to be loved. In other words, you must bring yourself to the relationship.

Like Cinderella, many women wait to be discovered and spend years alone and lonely-even if they are in a marriage-wondering when things are supposed to "get good." And in all fairness, much of what is circulated as romantic truth encourages the hope of being rescued by love. So why wouldn't you wait to be spotted by that perfect person whose love will make everything right? Unfortunately, that approach means that you have remain passive.

Aroused by simple curiosity, real intimacy is active, prompting you to extend yourself beyond what you already know, urging you to uncover more about yourself and your lover. If not, if your relationship has become worn and predictable, intimacy has been reduced to physical proximity. Have you ever known a couple who've lost interest in each other? They live under the same roof, but they're even less close than roommates.

Intimacy is lively and adventuresome, always open to new possibilities. It is a creative, imaginative experience. Not an escape from life but a plunge into it.

One of the keys to the new romantic intimacy is that you must choose reality over fantasy. Why? Because intimacy is an experience that takes place between two people. Not in each of them exclusively, but between them. Fantasies are essentially private. We make them up to fulfill our wishes. In fantasy everything goes the way we want it to. Even if we inject a little opposition to add drama, we still get everything we want, and more importantly, in just exactly the way we want.

But in real life your lover cannot help but be different from your fantasy expectations. He is not you. He brings to you his unique experience and expression. His mere presence forces you to choose between long held images of how things are supposed to be and the reality of how things are. That is the wonder of intimacy. It creates connection through change.

That connection is a paradox. The more intimate you are the more you are yourself. The more you are yourself the more you are a part of your relationship. Together yet distinct. Close in the sense of being connected and separate in the sense that you always remain true to who you are.

True intimacy belies the widely held belief that in love two melt into one. If that were the case, which one of you would you melt into? Him? Or you? And why would you want that? Why would you want to disappear? If you did, how could you trust that you are being loved for who you are? Or why would you want him to become you? What then would there be to love?

Instead, intimacy is that profound experience in which you and your lover get to be deeply, sweetly close and yet never lose sight of who you are as individuals. That is the wonderful magic of differences.

So, as you create your ongoing intimate relationship, use the truth of who you are to give and receive love joyously. That way you can support each other through the tough times, and know that when things become difficult, you can count on each other, unafraid to show your vulnerability. The trust you develop will be based on the integrity you have invested in yourselves, in each other, and what you've developed together. When you make mistakes, you can admit your responsibility, using what happened as a lesson to avoid making them again. As you rejoice in the experience of being deeply in love, you can delight in each other's growth and fulfillment, enjoying your ongoing romance and passion, opening to the ever deeper mysteries that only real intimacy can reveal.

©2006

Show All Articles By Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski