"Jealousy is indeed a poor medium to secure love, but it is a secure medium to destroy one's self-respect," activist and writer Emma Goldman famously quoted, "For jealous people, like dope-fiends, stoop to the lowest level and in the end inspire only disgust and loathing." Jealousy brings out the worst in people, making them selfish, hurtful, and ugly in spirit. When jealousy blossoms into something fierce and terrifying, it must be addressed immediately. According to Psychology Today, one-third of couples seeking marriage therapy are dealing with jealousy problems in their relationship.

The first step in stopping jealousy is to recognize it. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Jealousy manifests itself in many different ways, depending on the individual person and the unique circumstances. Some people experience jealousy as a wave of self-pity or sadness. Some feel the need to blame others. Others may feel intense rage or intense grief or fear. One jealous person may act out aggressively while another may shy away from life and cry in the same situation. Note exactly how you feel next time you're overcome by jealousy.

Next, ask yourself, "What triggered this reaction?" Do your arms shake with rage and frustration every time your husband has to stay at work late and finish a project with his female co-worker? Do you experience fear and panic every time your wife leaves for a working weekend out of town? Write down your feelings. Talk about them with a close friend, your spouse, or a trained counselor. If your jealousy issues are deeply rooted in your past, a counselor will be your best resource.

Jealousy is another word for an intense desire for power and control over our partner. If you feel the need to control your partner, you need to realize that this is wrong. You must learn to let go and give your partner room to shine if you wish to have a healthy, happy relationship with him or her. Ladies, you teach people how to treat you. If you accept controlling behavior from your partner, you're teaching him that you'll accept this from him. If he is jealous and calls you 20 times a day to check in on you, stop answering the phone. Don't reinforce his issues. Tell him before you leave where you're going (in general) and with whom and leave it at that. If he continues to be jealous, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Jealousy can easily progress into physical abuse.

Once you are aware of the root cause of your behaviors and are making a daily effort to treat your partner with respect and trust, you're well on your way to having a healthy and happy relationship. If the ugly beast Jealousy makes an appearance again, ask yourself why you're feeling jealous and whether or not your feelings are valid. Is there a true reason for you to mistrust your partner right now? If not, push your jealousy aside and move on. If there is something truly going on between your partner and another person, than there is a true reason for jealous feelings and you need to take care of that problem with your partner. Don't let jealousy own you. You are not a slave to your emotions. Refuse to be ruled by the green-eyed monster.

Bob Grant
©2011

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