You might call this living in the past.

You keep running over in your mind what happened and what you could have done differently.

You start thinking things like

• "If only I wouldn't have been so upset that he wanted to play golf every Sunday"


• "I should have understood that he's tired when he comes home from work and doesn't want to talk"


• "Maybe I was a nag, and was making his life miserable"


• "Maybe I should have been better in bed"


• "I know I let myself go and should have kept myself in better shape"


• "I really was too demanding, and should have realized he needed some time to do his own thing"

You see where this is leading? You are starting to beat yourself up by imagining all the things you could have done to prevent the break up from happening, and most of the things you come up with are not things you could or even should have done.

In fact most of them wouldn't have changed the final outcome anyway. Sure there may be a few things you may have done that contributed to the break up, but remember there are a lot of things he could have done differently too.

Your break up isn't about who said this, or who did that. It's about two people who have taken different paths in their lives.

It's natural for people to change as time goes on, and it isn't that common that two people make the same changes at the same time.

You will have to go through this stage of your break up, but watch that it doesn't lead you back to the denial stage.

For example you might start thinking that if you always make an effort to look his best he will notice and want to get back together with you.

You could think that if you show him that you do understand that he can't give you all his attention and that you are OK with him pursuing his own interests he will have second thoughts about breaking up..

What ever you do - don't talk yourself into going to bed with him so that you can show him how good sex with you can be.

You are going to come up with your own ideas of what you should have done to prevent your break up, it's what you do with them that counts.

Try not to let yourself go back into the denial stage and start thinking that if you make certain changes he will magically want to get back together with you.

Use this stage constructively. If you come up with something that you really would like to change about yourself then start making the change, but do it for yourself not for him or anyone else.

I know you love him and you really do feel that you would act differently if you had the chance, but be realistic about what you really would be willing to sacrifice and you may come to the conclusion that you really wouldn't be happy living like that, and maybe breaking up is the right idea after all.

I know you are going through a tough time, but believe me things will get better.

Bargaining is only one of the major stages you need to go through to get over your break up. Do you know what the rest of them are? Read How To Get Over A Break Up - 5 Major Stages

Gary Caine
©2009

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