Recently, a good friend and I were on our way to a birthday party. The car ride was a bit over an hour, so we had plenty of time to chat. I wish I could remember how we got on the subject of her family, specifically her late sister and her sister's daughters. I think I had inquired after one of them and my friend simply said "I don't have contact with them anymore." Anyone with the smallest bit of listening skills could notice from that remark alone that there was animosity between her and these particular family members, at least as far as she was concerned.

I remarked something to the effect of there being a fire-breathing dragon behind that comment. She laughed ruefully and went on to explain to me how angry she was at her nieces. They had not included her in the funeral plans for their mother - my friend's only living sibling. And since the death of her sister, they had barely spoken to her. When they did, they never inquired after her children or grandchildren. They never inquired about her health or welfare. They spoke only of themselves. My friend was hurt and angry about this, and every time she thought about it she seethed inside herself and practiced all sorts of dialogue she could have with the nieces to make them see how selfish and wrong they were. She actually said to me the she felt that she needed to make them see how wrong they were. My friend was obviously spending a great deal of energy, at least on occasion, feeling horribly resentful towards these people and working herself into a very negative state. I wondered out loud if maybe she wouldn't be better served by just giving up on being so ticked off, since it really didn't seem to be changing anything.

The truth is that many of us do this either occasionally or on a regular basis. We obsess about something someone has done to hurt us, and how we can either get revenge, or at least show him or her the error of their ways. And most of us don't even realize that by doing this we're hurting ourselves, while the target of our anger is most likely completely oblivious to the sea of negativity we are swimming in supposedly because of them. What's more, if they knew, it's possible they wouldn't understand why we were so upset, maybe they wouldn't care, or worse yet, maybe would actually be gratified that we were so upset by their actions (or inactions). But our being angry and hurt is probably not going to make them change. And it creates negative energy all around us.

Here are some questions:

Have you ever found yourself in this situation?

Are you still harboring resentment and anger towards someone?

What did that person do, or are they doing to upset you?

Now, some BIG questions:

How is your reaction to this situation affecting your life?

How do you think your reaction to this is affecting the perceived wrongdoer's life?

If you are reacting negatively, how is it worth it to you to continue to be upset?

Do you think the way this person is acting is about you, and if so, why? Or could it be about themselves (i.e. they harbor hateful feelings towards themselves and are projecting, they simply are not evolved enough to see what's going on around them)?

How might you benefit from just letting go of the anger you are associating with this situation/person?

How can you limit your exposure to negativity associated with this person in the future?

I am not suggesting that you try to make nice with the wrongdoer and just sweep your hurt under the carpet. What I am suggesting is that you look at the whole situation from a different perspective. The perspective is this: How is this affecting me and is it worth it to me to carry on with this? Or will it serve me better to affirm that I am fine, and it's the other person who's screwed up and then just let it go - for my sake.

©2008

Show All Articles By Lee Ann Lambert