Divorce causes a lot of strong emotions. (I know that's putting it mildly!) As a divorced parents, it's especially important to remember that you children are experiencing a lot of emotions as well. So there's a balancing act of dealing with your own feelings along with their's. But what if you have an ex-spouse who isn't interested in what's best for everyone, but rather is only interested in revenge? What if they are only interested in making your life miserable and doesn't look at the consequences of what they are doing? This may be one of the hardest situations you will ever have to deal with in your life. It's necessary to develop a plan for dealing with this rather than blindly experiencing.

1. Take the high road

While it's natural to want to fight back when someone is doing their best to make your life miserable, here are just a few reasons for not doing this: ultimately you're hurting yourself because it keeps the conflict going. Worst of all, you're likely to destroy your children's spirits in the midst of that continued conflict. Sound like enough reason to you?

I'm not suggesting you just roll over and play dead here. What I am suggesting is not to allow your ex-spouse to bait you. They know you well and are masters at what buttons to push to upset you. Keep yourself in check and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they've upset you. The best way to view your relationship with your ex-spouse is as a business now. Your business is the raising of your kids. Think about how you interact with difficult business associates. You don't get into personal discussions, you don't point fingers about past errors, and you don't scream and yell at them. Those things would get you fired!

2. Take care of yourself

Avoiding these arguments is HARD! I have no doubt about that. This is why it's important that you take really good care of yourself. Have a network of supportive people around you that you can talk to, exercise regularly, pray, rest, and do any other activities that replenish and restore you.

If you don't take care of yourself, you'll become exhausted, bitter and blow up. Taking the high road will feel like an impossible summit that can never be achieved. And in this case, it is if you try to do it alone. We weren't created to do life alone, so make taking care of yourself a real priority. Even if it takes some time away from the kids, you're not being selfish. You're allowing yourself the opportunity to be a better parent.

3. Trust in the future

What we're talking about here is really perseverance. The honest truth is that when you are dealing with vindictive ex-spouses like this, the odds are not good that they will wake up and realize how much damage they are doing. So this is a long journey. But in those times when you feel broken and can't take things anymore, here's what I ask you to hold onto. I can tell you that I've personally seen this happen over and over again with divorced families I've worked with...

Those kids will mature and grow up. They will eventually realize what your ex-spouse did. And they will also come to understand what you did. They will have a very close relationship with you and will have a lot of anger toward that other parent. While your ex may make you look awful now, your kids will "get it." They will understand how selfish their other parent was and the sacrifices you made to keep their lives stable and loving. While that may feel like little consolation now - trust in it!

You may be asking, "What are some other ways I can get through this difficult time?" There are two answers: education and support.

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Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
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