Question: How do you handle a cheating husband or boyfriend? Answer: You use principles that apply to every relationship situation.

Here's a recent letter from one of my readers (I'll change her name to "Sweetheart"):

Dear Mimi,

What do you do when your husband does not stop cheating? I left him for six months, and served him with divorce papers. He begged me not to divorce him. After some time of thinking how much I do love him, I came back. Then he was once again on the internet and staying out late at night, telling me that he is out with friends. I know the truth.

I am not going to leave the marriage again, and neither is he, but I want respect and my marriage back. There must be another way.

Please help.

--Sweetheart

Dear Sweetheart,

I probably should not advise you here, because only you can make the decision, and from what I read in your letter, it sounds like you plan to stay no matter what. About respect, a lot of it is what you will tolerate. People don't really want to get away with treating someone else badly. They don't feel good about themselves and they end up resenting the person who lets themself be treated badly. Life is short, and there are hundreds of men waiting for a woman to love. Not to mention the fact that it's pretty nice to live without a man in your life. Don't close off your options.

If you are 'determined' to stay with a cheater (something I think you should reconsider), then you might try treating him differently - I would not act victimized by the cheating. Act like you have your own world and are happy - and that you know he is cheating. He'll wonder why his outrageous actions don't bother you. That is a starting point.

Blessings to you, Sweetheart, and I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Mimi Tanner

Dear Mimi,

I am trying to live my life. I would like to know how I can work with what I have. According to the articles I have read by Cucan Pemo, it said not to confront the cheating husband or try to pull him away from the cheating. Actions speak louder than words. Tell me if this is true.

--Sweetheart

Hi, Sweetheart,

I have to agree with that. If you try to pull him away from the cheating, then he will only go for it more. Human nature. That cheating will be old and cheap and trashy eventually and it has no soul and can't bring him any joy in the long run. So maybe one way to look at it is to let him be his own worst enemy there - until he finally realizes that it leads to nowhere.

I know some people can't be cured of cheating (serial cheaters). I'd say to work on one goal at a time for yourself and focus on yourself, not on him. The shift in your manner will be noticed by him.

One thing I have learned is to 'let others be.' Let him do what he is going to do. Do not try to stop it. He'll be wondering why there is no resistance from you - and that WILL work in your favor.

It's a big world out there - don't forget !

Take care,

Mimi

Dear Mimi,

Two of my friends said the same thing. I do notice when I am doing my own thing he notices. When my phone rings he asks who is on the phone. I have to go with what you said.

Thank you,

--Sweetheart

Readers: you see - it's absolutely true. When you take care of yourself - and stop focusing on what you can do to save him, help him, change him, cure him, or "make" him love you - you take on a completely different aura, and you throw the old ways of relating with him out of balance.

There is a book out there which I have not read yet, and I'm about to read it. When I do, I'll review it for you. It's been around for a while, and has held its own in the marketplace, so I'm assuming it's good: it's called "Men Made Easy." Review of it coming soon - that's a promise. The author, Kara Oh, recently revamped her website, and I like the new photos on it a lot. I emailed her recently and she's super nice!! Those photos of Kara and her hubby don't lie, so I think maybe her book works, hmmm? Well...I'll let you know.

The interesting thing about Kara is that she is now 57 (and still attractive), so she has the benefit of life experiences to back up what she is writing about. She also lists her phone number in Santa Barbara on her website, which is completely unheard of in the relationship business.

Her website is: Men Made Easy.

Here's what the author, Kara Oh, says: "Whether you are single or married, been with him a long time or newly involved, having trouble or blissfully in love, Men Made Easy is your relationship survival guide, and your instruction manual for men, all rolled into one!"

Mimi Tanner
©2006

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