Each guy she dates has two identical qualities; they are always exciting and eventually treated her like dirt!

Now she isn't stupid and doesn't enjoy being mistreated. It's just that she, like many women loathed being bored by a man.

It seemed to Susan that the only way to tell if a guy would make her happy is if she felt a "connection" with him (and the sooner the better) and with this being her measure of how to pick a man, she found herself dating men who excited her AND made her feel out of control.

In fact, in the beginning, every one of these men seemed so nice and sincere, certain of their love for her.

At first, they couldn't get enough of her.

Flowers were followed my phone calls which frequently culminated with wild passionate sex.

With each man she felt she had found someone special, after all they told her that they felt the same way toward her, but this bliss never lasted. With each boyfriend the same familiar pattern began to emerge. Only the details were different.

One boyfriend just stopped calling her; the other began picking fights with her whenever they went on a date. Still another guy suddenly developed the need to point out how she needed to "get in shape."

When her friends heard of this bad behavior they would rush to her defense and tell her to "just dump the guy." They never understood why she would want to be with someone so rude, disrespectful and cold.

Yet whenever she resolved to end a relationship, her doubts would begin to speak to her.

Perhaps, she wondered, something she said or did had caused her boyfriend to become suddenly disenchanted with her. In fact, she often spent hours thinking and thinking about what she had done to bring on this bad behavior.

Each man had a different method of being mean to her.

Steve suddenly became emotionally distant when she wasn't ready to go out on a date.

Jim became rude and argumentative after she "dared" to disagree with his opinion that homeless individuals needed to be hauled off to jail.

Alex was the best (or worst). He started complaining that Susan was gaining weight after a particular uninspiring evening in the bedroom.

Each man got worse rather than better. They each, in their own way, began to treat Susan with contempt in public. Some would only call her only when they were aroused, while others just stopped calling her altogether.

So Susan found her way into my office to ask me if there was something wrong with her. It couldn't be simply a coincidence that nearly every man she dated turned out to be a Jerk could it?

After all, didn't she feel such an emotional connection with each of them? If that wasn't the way to identify a good guy from a Jerk, then what was?

Susan, I'm glad you asked. Are you sure you are ready to hear the answer because it isn't going to be what you thought?

Yes, I'm ready.

As you wish. The answer is that time is always reveals the difference between a real man and a loser.

Don't confuse intense feelings with genuine ones. Any man can be charming, wonderful and intoxicating in the moment because at that particular moment, they really do feel that way toward you.

Those that are insecure won't be able to maintain their passion because it is based solely on getting what they want. Once they get the least bit bored or irritated, their nasty disposition will surface.

Susan, stop pretending that you are intuitive enough to discern a man's heart based on the words he uses because you're not.

Men that are jerks always sound convincing when they are motivated. Men don't take words as seriously as women do, at least not in regards to women, the exception being the M word.

Susan, start acting like you have value instead of behaving like you need to be rescued. It's o.k. if a relationship grows slowly. In fact with men it is actually preferred and you may have to be the one to keep it slow in the beginning.

Men that are jerks are self centered and only interested in a woman who is exciting. As long as you make them feel excited, they will be enchanted by you. The moment you dare to reveal any doubts, feelings or less than perfect characteristics, they will blame you for ruining a "perfect relationship."

In other words, jerks can't stand a real complete woman. Their too interested in having someone who is always happy, upbeat and rarely has a down day.

What they want is a fantasy, a perpetual girlfriend who knows better than to expect too much from them. They aren't interested in growing, only in having fun.

Susan, you deserve better and if you'll let me (or someone) show you how you can have the man of your dreams without having to keep getting hurt by bad boys who disguise themselves as wonderful men.

©2006

Show All Articles By Bob Grant, L.P.C.