Sometimes you feel overcome with anger so fierce that your blood boils. How dare she look at him like that? Doesn't she realize that he's yours? Why isn't he stopping it... do they have something going on? The anxiety is overwhelming. Your heart feels like it's wrapped in knots when he's away on business trips and you're extra careful to look for any sign that he may have been fooling around. You've even checked his phone for repeated unfamiliar phone numbers and steamy text messages.

If you see yourself in any of the above situations, then it's time to face reality. You're experiencing some serious jealousy issues. Welcome to the Jealousy-Sufferers Anonymous Club. Your first step toward recovery is admitting that you have a problem. This doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you're hopeless. Jealousy is kind of like a disease. It can be treated. While it may seem impossible at first, coping with jealousy will make you a much happier person and will improve your relationship.

If you've admitted that you might have a problem, you've taken an important step in the right direction. Do you tend to react impulsively to small things (a wayward look, a note, a late arrival, etc) and cause fights in your relationship? Do you smother or try to control your partner, even if you don't mean to? Recognize the symptoms you exhibit so that you know what to work on. If you need to, write down your impulses on a sheet of paper.

Next, consider why you're feeling jealous. Is your jealousy warranted? Jealousy isn't always out of line. If you've caught (or highly suspect) your partner of having an affair or rekindling with an old flame and have proof of this, than you have every right to be jealous. It's up to you to do something about this: leave your partner or get them to stop these relationship-destroying behaviors. If you can't trust your mate and these behaviors continue, leave the relationship and the jealousy-inducing behaviors behind. Problem solved.

If, however, you analyze your relationship and discover that there is no real reason to be suspicious of your partner and their fidelity, than you're likely feeling jealous due to insecurity. The best way to cope with this problem is to boost your self-esteem. Fake confidence until you feel it. Take a public speaking class. If you're self-conscious about your weight, job, smile, or anything else in your life, fix it. Best of all, learn to love and value yourself for the person you are.

If you have naturally jealous tendencies, be careful whom you date. This will really help you cope with your jealous urges. Don't date someone who is extremely flirtatious, because you won't enjoy it when they flirt with others. Don't date someone who has cheated on his past girlfriends, because there's a great likelihood he'll do it again. If you choose someone who is truly compatible with you and shares many of your beliefs about flirting and fidelity, it's less likely your jealous urges will surface.

Lastly, it's vital to learn to let some things go. Not every perceived slight is actually an intended slight, and not every act of friendliness is flirting. If it's not blatant flirtation, just let it go.

As a member of the Jealousy-Sufferers Anonymous Club, know that what you are feeling is real and valid and that things can get better. You can be rid of that terribly anxious, overwhelming feeling. It'll take a lot of self-control and personal growth, but it's worth the journey. It is possible to cope with your jealousy. Your relationship will thank you.

Bob Grant
©2011

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