When Cheating Happens - Is Saying Sorry Enough?

Dictionary.com defines cheating as:  "To violate rules deliberately" and "To act dishonestly; practice fraud." When someone "...violate rules" and "...act dishonestly" people tend to stop trusting the person who caused the violation of trust.  Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship and a broken trust is hard to mend and certainly never forgotten.

While men and women may occasionally glance at someone other than their loved one, most do not act on the impulse of visual stimulation and it remains just a brief moment of looking at someone else.  (That doesn't make it right; it's just a natural response to beauty.  A brief glance is different than turning around to look JFI.)

Cheating is the worst violation of trust in a relationship and is the cause of many break-ups.  Why do people cheat?  There are many reasons that are usually given, none of which excuse the dishonest act and erase the memory of it, nor are they valid excuses for lacking in character.

Below are just a few of the reasons someone who cheats may give:

• I was bored.
• It just happened.
• I was in the wrong place and they were just there.
• I was drunk.
• It was a chemical attraction and I couldn't fight it.
• It was just one time.  It didn't mean a thing.
• It wasn't personal, it was strictly physical.

All of these "reasons" do not excuse the violation and they are an unconvincing justification for breaking a huge trust.  There are two schools of thoughts held by people regarding this subject matter.  I will call them Type Z and Type L.

Type Z will say things like, 'Hey, it's bad, but all guys cheat and most women think of it even if they don't act on it.  Anyone who says they haven't cheated is lying.'  This group may tend to think strip clubs, pornography and gawking at another man or woman in the presence of their loved one is okay and it really shouldn't bother their loved one.  If it does bother them, then their partner needs to 'just get over it' and that it's their partners' problem, not theirs.

They usually like "Girls Gone Wild" (or videos of that nature) and think nothing of having the entire series for regular viewing.  They are not generally close to their family or have many close friends.

That is not to say they don't love their family or interact with them or that they don't have a bunch of superficial friends who generally speaking hold the same views as they do.  While Type Z may brag about being great in bed, they often hold a higher opinion of their skills than their partner does.

Then there is Type L.  They say, 'Cheating is wrong and not all men or women cheat or even think of cheating.'  This group usually has stable relationships and is close to their family.  Their friends are close knit and invest quality time together whenever possible  Type L tend to enjoy movies that do not have a lot of graphic sex scenes in them and they are generally great care givers in bed.  Do you see the pattern?

The most common mistake that men or women make once they find out their partner has cheated, is to ignore the situation or pass it off as "it wasn't a personal thing."  While the cheating partner may believe it wasn't personal, it becomes personal because it deeply affects the non-cheating partner.

Additionally, the cheating partner has exposed their "loved one" to life threatening diseases such as AIDS.  When you love someone would you risk their life by exposing them to dangerous sexually transmitted diseases?  Some of these diseases can be rampant, going without detection.  One such STD is the Human Papillomavirus, more commonly known as "genital warts."

The U.S. Dept of Health stated the following:  "Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is one of the most common causes of sexually transmitted infection (STI) in the world...Many people infected with HPV have no symptoms.  High-risk HPV may cause abnormal Pap smear results, and could lead to cancers of the cervix, vulva, vagina, anus, or penis."

Men and women that cheat have serious issues of insecurity they must address and tend to be adrenaline junkies in constant need for excitement.  If you have found out your partner is or has cheated, several things need to be done and addressed immediately. 

The first is for your health concerns; you will need to be tested for various forms of STD including AIDS.  Check with your health care professional about the frequency.  Just because a condom may have been used, does not mean you are completely safe.  If your partner says to you, "The other person is safe" don't trust it!  They have already lied to you and cheated, why would you trust them with your safety?

After you have been tested, seek out counseling, whether or not you are going to stay with the offender.  Your counselor will be able to help you determine whether or not, "I'm sorry" will keep your relationship in tact.

While you may forgive your partner, sadly you will never forget what they did.  If you decide to stay together, you will need to address this issue in counseling.  It is imperative that you do to help avoid the "cheating" word being thrown about in future heated moments or bursts of anger.

Many people believe, once a cheater, always a cheater, but that is something you'll need to decide on your own.  Here is something for you to think about:  If a relationship has cheating in it, where will it end up?  Many end up in the trash or divorce court. 

One of the worst mistakes the non-cheating partner can do is to blame themselves.  You are not responsible for the other person's actions or 'indiscretions.'  That is why counseling or seeking wise counsel is important.

If you feel your partner has cheated the best thing to do is ask.  If you've spent some time with your partner you may be able to read the signs right away.  Don't assume someone is cheating, because there may be other things going on in their life that have them distracted. 

However, don't wait to ask if you have a nagging suspicion or it will eat you up inside and will eventually lead to hostility aimed at your partner.  Ask now and then if you don't feel you have gotten an honest answer, you might want to look into other methods that might help you get to the truth.  Sadly, if a person has a predilection for cheating there is nothing the non-cheating person can do to stop them.  It's a choice they must make for themselves. 

A stable, happy relationship is what most people seek out, but they don't come easily or without work.  One of the keys to happy relationship in the future is to learn about each other and develop deep communication skills.  This will take practice, learning together and investing time on a regular basis with each other.  Another key?  Laughing together

Side note:  The National Opinion Research Center at the published a survey in 2002 that stated 22 percent of men cheat.  One more thing to think about; someone caught stealing is rarely sorry because they stole, they are only sorry because they were caught. 

Jaci Rae
©2006

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