Divorce leaves a trail of changes behind it. I'm not talking little ones either. Entire ways of doing life become altered. As a whole, we don't usually care for change. Oh sure, we talk about it a lot. But when it comes right down to actually making changes, we tend to back down and revert to old habits rather than creating new ways of doing things. Perfect example: trying to lose weight. To accomplish this, you either have to change what you're eating, or begin exercising. Either way, it's doing something different.

But with divorce, reverting to old habits isn't an option. Life has unalterably changed. Coming to grips with those changes and adjusting to them has a lot to do with why divorce can be so painful.

So what are the best ways of dealing with those changes? Let's take a few minutes to look at just that question...

Be determined to stay present focused - It's real easy to "what if" yourself to death. Once the divorce is final, the time for "what ifs" is over. Focusing on what could have been will only drive you crazy and keep you from accepting "what is."

Make a conscious decision to begin catching yourself when you revert to this past tense thinking. Once caught, tell yourself to stop, get up, do something different and get your mind off of it. I know this is easier said than done. You've got to start somewhere though and it will get easier the more you do it.

Openly deal with emotions - Don't be fake with yourself. You may feel you have to put on a brave face for your kids or all those well wishers who keep asking, "So, how are you doing?" But when you have time to yourself, quit stuffing those feelings. Acknowledge they are there and focus on a way of moving through them.

Have support available - A lot of people feel they don't want to "burden" their friends with what's going on with them. That's a part of friendship! All of us take turns leaning on one another. Now it's your turn to receive some boosting up. If you still don't feel you can openly discuss what's going on, then consider an online community where you can be a little more anonymous, but yet still gain support.

Take it one day at a time - Change is hard and it takes time for it to stop feeling new and become the norm. With all of the major life changes you're going through, give yourself a break. Remember how I said to stay present focused? That means not constantly worrying about the future as well. You've got this one day in front of you. Focus on making it count and using it in the best way you can.

You may be asking, "How do I get started?" There are two answers: education and support.

Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
©2009

Show All Articles By Alyssa Johnson